


Supreme Leader's Journal

by Lubamoon



Series: Capital Letters - English [2]
Category: Daddy-Long-Legs - Jean Webster, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Diary/Journal, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Letters, POV Kylo Ren, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Rey is Not a Palpatine, Scavenger Rey (Star Wars), Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, The Force Ships It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:21:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24192754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lubamoon/pseuds/Lubamoon
Summary: Kylo Ren receives Rey's daily reports and records his thoughts in a journal that he keeps out of everyone's reach.Second part of "Capital Letters" that can be read in parallel with Rey's letters.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Capital Letters - English [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746013
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	1. Supreme Leader's Journal - Part I

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Bitácora del Líder Supremo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24191770) by [Lubamoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lubamoon/pseuds/Lubamoon)



> Since what was promised is debt and I was left wanting to know what the Supreme Leader thinks about Rey's letters, here comes the second part with his point of view. The format I tried to give it is a little more "formal" but it will gradually lose some of its rigidness. Let us imagine that he writes the diary by hand, with his perfect and studied calligraphy.
> 
> Little by little, Kylo/Ben is going to put in his notes some issues from his past and, of course, how he feels about his favorite scavenger.

* * *

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2300 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N5, Primeday

Western Reaches of the Inner Rim

Coordinates I-13 / Jakku

Topics

  1. Search for a secret Imperial base
  2. Recruitment
  3. Identification and elimination of rebel cells



Phase

  1. Not found
  2. Human, scavenger, 20 years old. See Notes
  3. Possible rebel cell in Tuanul. General A. Hux checking



Notes

> _The instructions led me to this remote space dump. It makes sense that there might be an Empire Base here, but I haven't found it yet._
> 
> _I trusted the Force more than the coordinates, maybe that was my mistake._
> 
> _But I did find something interesting here in Jakku._
> 
> _An approximately 20-year-old human, although it is difficult to know exactly how old is she. (Medical droids are already evaluating her) She exhibits a high degree of sensitivity to the Force that I have not noticed from anyone in the past._
> 
> _I dare say it is fortunate that I found her before the Jedi Order did, if my Uncle Luke ever dares to come out of the hole he got into._
> 
> _She's a local scavenger, someone with no name and no history, no family_
> 
> _I couldn't find out any more about her. I'll think about a proper interrogation for the next few days. In the meantime, I have instructed her to set up in a room secured by a guard, in case she tries to escape. Although I don't think she will._
> 
> _I can't help but be amazed at her haste to accept my hand. I hope she will understand that this is not a game and that her life hangs by a thread until I am sure that she isn’t related to the Resistance._
> 
> _I confess that I am anxious to know what she is thinking and to find out what she is capable of doing._
> 
> * * *

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2300 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N5, Centaxday

Western Reaches of the Inner Rim

Coordinates: R-28 Road to Unknown Regions

_Supremacy_

Topics

  1. Search for a secret Imperial base.
  2. Recruitment: Rey, scavenger, 20 years.
  3. Identification and elimination of rebels. Tuanul



Phase

  1. Nothing to report. Mission aborted.
  2. See Notes
  3. No trace of Rebel Cell



Notes:

> _I haven't decided what to do with the scavenger yet. I honestly don't think an interrogation is good for boosting her confidence. Nor do I see the need to introduce myself to her because that would give her wrong ideas. In the meantime, I will continue to watch her carefully._
> 
> _I have verified that she left nothing behind in Jakku except a possible connection to a Crolute, Unkar Plutt. Nothing important or emotional, in fact I think the girl is better off with the First Order than with that nasty fellow._
> 
> _Her name is Rey. Just Rey. No last name, no affiliation. Nobody._
> 
> _I knew that because she told the stormtrooper in charge of her surveillance. Apparently she has tried to introduce herself and has demanded to see the Supreme Leader. In a cordial but firm tone and on repeated occasions._
> 
> _But I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to see her yet. First, there's something I want to try._
> 
> _It's possible that there's some kind of connection between her and me, but I have to keep digging. For now the safest thing is to keep her isolated._
> 
> _I'll continue with this methodology unless something unexpected happens._
> 
> _In other words, I have no idea what to do with her. But I want her to be comfortable and safe in the meantime. And as far as possible, reserve information and delay our meeting as long as possible._
> 
> _If she were to discover her potential talents without knowing what to use them for, she would probably be a threat to me. That's why I have to be careful._

* * *

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2250 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N5, Taungsday

Western Reaches of the Inner Rim

Coordinates: U-32 Road to Unknown Regions

_Supremacy_

_Topics_

  1. _General A. Hux presents documents related to the scavenger_



_Phase_

  1. _See Notes_



Notes

> _Apparently the scavenger has a reckless sense of humor. Indeed, she's got a lot of nerve._
> 
> _Hux found suspicious papers and presented them to me as evidence of insubordination._
> 
> _Should I take them seriously? I don't think she's allied with the Resistance because it's been three days and she hasn't tried to make contact with anyone, hasn't tried to escape either._
> 
> _Besides, the situation is so unusual that it provokes my curiosity. I'd like to know how far she's capable of going with this whole letter thing. I think it's a good way to get information out of her, since it seems she needs to share everything that crosses her mind._
> 
> _And she does it very naturally; I'd even say it's entertaining. I'll let she get on with it._
> 
> _She has no right to keep her thoughts anyway; far less put them on paper without my knowing about it first._
> 
> _Guest or prisoner? She's the one who agreed to come in the first place, but I must confess that I felt her signature on the Force long before I found her. I've been looking for her for a long time even though I didn't know what she would look like or what her personality would be like._
> 
> _In a way, yes, she is my prisoner. But not in the conventional sense. Nor can I allow her to leave or make her believe she is free because that would give her wrong ideas. I will let her know that she is my guest and that she can do whatever she wants up to a point which I will monitor as the days go by and get more information about her._
> 
> _That I don't want to see her? I can't stop thinking about her, about the potential of her power._
> 
> _I don't think she's crazy, I understand that she enjoys writing because I do too._
> 
> _I'll definitely send her a datapad because her handwriting is awful! What I'm trying to say is that it shows how impulsive she is and that can be a quality if I can teach her the power of the Dark Side. She's not in any position to negotiate this at all._
> 
> _If you knew, scavenger of Jakku, what you would be capable of with the proper training... But I will not tell you yet. I need to know more about her first. Yes, this will be a new form of torture and information extraction._
> 
> _I'd really hate to have to hurt her._
> 
> _She seems to have suffered quite a bit on her planet. I'm not surprised. The New Republic is not perfect and it has wreaked havoc on poor souls like hers._
> 
> _What I can't understand is how she ended up alone and how she managed to survive in a place like that. Perhaps she's more dangerous than she appears. I'll be careful._
> 
> _The Force, that's what's so special about her. But I won't oblige her under any circumstances; I'd like her to accept it progressively. The results will be better._
> 
> _I feel a lot of pain in her and that's just what I need her to see. Anger and resentment are emotions of the Dark Side and soon will uproot this torrent of Light that surrounds her. With my guidance, of course, will succeed._
> 
> _Don’t you know where it comes from? I don’t know either. But it's not her origin that makes her powerful. It's something else, and I'm here to find out._
> 
> _But if she was able to feel those things with just a glance at me, even with my mask, who knows what else she might find out about me. I need more time; I need to understand what's going on. I need to get to know her first._
> 
> _I think the best thing I can do is to stay away from her, to watch her from a distance._
> 
> _It never ceases to amaze me that she worries about how to address me, after the things she wrote before and the impudence that seems to flow from her as easily as she breathes. It is fascinating._
> 
> _At this point labels are the least important thing. I'd like to see which one she chooses. More familiar treatment would be wrong and would undermine my authority, but the end justifies the means._
> 
> _True, I would prefer that she address me as Kylo Ren because that's my name. I wonder what it's like to hear it from her lips. But for now that won't be possible._
> 
> _Kylo will remain her mysterious benefactor in the shadows._
> 
> _I'm looking forward to tomorrow._
> 
> * * *


	2. Supreme Leader's Journal - Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small and quick update, this letter should be in the previous chapter.  
> I promise a next episode soon!

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2300 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N5, Zhellday

Western Reaches of the Outer Rim

Unknown Regions

Coordinates: G-7 Ilum, Starkiller Base

_Supremacy_

_Topics_

  1. Analysis of personal effects of scavenger (Rey)
  2. Check status of New Starkiller Base (rebel attack thwarted)



_Phase_

  1. See Notes
  2. Slow progress. Possible internal sabotage. Pressuring General Hux



_Notes_

> _I realize I'm known as a ruthless man, but why should the scavenger believe I'm capable of executing her without good reason? I've treated her very well! I mean, she's got food, shelter and a place to sleep. And from what she wrote, it's a lot more comfortable than it was before._
> 
> _I don't feel provoked but amused. Really, it's hard for me to admit it, but I almost laughed at her absurd notes. Not even the most courageous rebel would have dared to do what she did and that's what makes her even more special in my eyes. Rey is... interesting._
> 
> _On second thought, I should check that attitude because I wouldn't want to make a habit of laughing... However..._
> 
> _No. Better not to go that way._
> 
> _But I must follow what I've planned and there's no way I'd separate that wonderful head of hers from her body. I have a feeling that the flow of information is abundant and she still has a lot to say. But I must impose a certain order, just a little, just enough so that she doesn't forget who's in charge._
> 
> _She wonders what I think of her. I wish I could be so direct with myself. I can't answer that question without knowing her, but I'll try to make a little sketch._
> 
> _I think she's quite naive, I don't think she's provoking me. In any case, her willingness and her faith in the hope of seeing the positive side of everything that happens to her are two aspects of her nature that move me more than I would like. I know I should be bothered by her inclination towards the Light, but she knows nothing about the Force so she doesn't do it on purpose. I cannot consider her a rival, I do not want to see her as an enemy. I wish she would see things the way I do, so that she would join me on the right side: mine._
> 
> _Her weakness is being optimistic. When was the last time I felt like that? Never. But I can make her stronger, I can teach her._
> 
> _I will not waste the opportunity she offers me, I will receive her letters daily in the form of reports. This way she won't suspect my true intentions and I can stay hidden in plain sight, far away but present. I hope I'm not underestimating her._
> 
> _Besides, I have other things to take care of here on the ship. Rebuilding Starkiller under Hux at least gives me a break, but there are so many other things a Supreme Leader must do every day._
> 
> _And while I'm on the subject, I'll use that as an argument to admit that a Supreme Leader has to have fun with something, too. Her letters will not disappoint me in that respect, I can feel it._
> 
> _Sometimes I envy the scavenger. She's free to say whatever she wants, she has her time as she wants, she could even escape if she wanted to! She is master of her will, but not for long. We shall see._
> 
> _I guess my role doesn't allow me to have opinions of my own. Everything must be politically correct, I must make everyone happy even if I don't like it. I would solve it in other more violent ways but I am trying to do something meaningful with this power I have achieved._
> 
> _Because Snoke was not a good leader. He is finally dead and no thanks to me, I know. Who would have thought that the hateful being would succumb to something as ordinary as a simple poison? I won't deny that I'm glad someone took his life, I would have done it sooner or later. Now is my chance to do things differently._
> 
> _I can feel the Force vibrating through Rey when she' s afraid or when she' s angry. But those are not the emotions I want to awaken in her. I mean, yes, of course, anger is a type of passion suitable for delving into the mysteries of the Dark Side. But I don't want Rey to see me that way, I don't want her to fear me or hate me._
> 
> _I'll try to prove something tonight. I think the connection we share can be deepened and we could see each other up close without being in the same room. I don't know yet. It'll be a theme for tomorrow._
> 
> _I'll think of something, but for now I'll send her the datapad without any major ceremony, just to see with what she surprises me this time._


	3. Supreme Leader's Journal - Part III

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2300 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N5, Bedunday

Western Reaches of the Outer Rim

Unknown Regions

Coordinates: G-7 Ilum, Starkiller Base

_Supremacy_

Topics

  1. _Experiment: Force Connection_
  2. _Rey: Letters?_
  3. _New Starkiller Base_



Phase

  1. _See Notes. Appendix A _
  2. _See Notes. Appendix B (basically, the rest of the notes)_
  3. _It seems to be the only thing that's working efficiently._



Notes

> _ Appendix A _
> 
> _The connection has turned out better than I expected, but I don't understand how the Force is linking me to Rey in this way._
> 
> _As long as I'm able to control it, everything will be fine._
> 
> _It felt very real, it was an instant because she is smart and she realized very soon that the situation was unusual. Perhaps invading her privacy was not right, but I am glad I did not choose a compromising moment for her._
> 
> _That's why it's important for her to think that this is some kind of illusion, and I must keep my mental defenses up, in case she suspects something else and comes to me for answers._
> 
> _It won't be a problem; I know how to do it. I've been doing it for years since I chose this path._
> 
> _The thing is, for a moment I almost gave up. And that's new to me, because, why would I want to let a scavenger into my mind?_
> 
> _I know, I'm talking nonsense and I'm not thinking clearly._
> 
> _But just once, just once I'd like to open that door for her._
> 
> _What's wrong with wanting it? Where in the "Supreme Leader's Manual" does it say that I can't have people I trust to share the burden of duty? It is true that there is a slight error in this sentence: it is not "people" in the plural, because that is why I have Hux and Phasma (and to some extent I would consider them "trustworthy"). Rey is the only person I would share my thoughts and - perhaps one day - my fears with._
> 
> _I never, ever thought this would happen to me: I need a friend._
> 
> _I am definitely out of my mind; this is all a big mistake, an unheard of sign of weakness that the Supreme Leader cannot afford! Because how can I be sure that, if I let her in, she won't betray me?_
> 
> _This is all so ridiculous! I should be worrying about the rebel scum, about my parents, about the fate of the Galaxy, about anything else!_
> 
> _So that's what I'll do. I refuse to admit everything I wrote above, it's enough that I can't delete it, or edit it. The Journal does not allow erasures or editing, the thoughts are raw, primitive, just as my hand is able of translating. The Journal must be irrefutable._
> 
> _I can at least be glad that my nervousness is not capable of altering my strokes or pen pressure. Such discipline has served its purpose. It's a shame about the embarrassing content of these sentences._
> 
> _But no, I shouldn't feel sorry for these statements. I'll just not think about it anymore and move on. There's too much to do._
> 
> _And I'll avoid connections for a while._
> 
> _Yeah. That'll stop it._
> 
> _I hope so._
> 
> _ Appendix B _
> 
> _rey will keep on writing, I need her to continue to do so. I wouldn't want her to do that because she feels indebted to me for rescuing her or sparing her life, but that should be the official version of events._
> 
> _The truth is her talent is as amazing as that of a holodrama writer. And while I seem to be entertaining myself at the expense of her distress, well, I'm not. And in my defense, nothing fun ever happens here (except the day Hux's cleaning droid broke down and flooded his room with foam)._
> 
> _As far as Hux is concerned, I don't know what he's done now. He uses words like daggers, so if he has truly insulted Rey, I must punish him. I suppose he mistrusts her, but I can't let his attitude pass. I'll give her other duties outside the Supremacy so it won't happen again and I'll find another way to watch over Rey without the General interfering or threatening to throw Millicent back into Lothal._
> 
> _Rey wants to be useful but has no idea how much she can do for me. The spectrum of possibilities is so wide, the Force vibrates around her in such a way that together we would be invincible. Or she could destroy me too if she wanted to..._
> 
> _I have to try to make her not want to; I won't give her any reason to insurgent._
> 
> _Am I afraid of the scavenger? No, of course not. I am powerful; I could eliminate her if I wanted to. I'm afraid of the crazy things I think of because of her, I'm afraid of myself._
> 
> _I'm afraid of sleeping because she's always there in my dreams and she's still there when I wake up because she's the first and last thing I think about during the day! I can't get her out of my mind. She's a real bother. She annoys the hell out of me!_
> 
> _But I don't want it to be any other way. This is perhaps a new kind of torture in which the beautiful scavenger struts her light and hope, tempting me to do absurd things._
> 
> _I'm really a hopeless case. But no one needs to know._
> 
> _And if that's not enough..._
> 
> _Rey keeps asking me questions I don't intend to answer. Why is she so interested in me? Where does her curiosity come from? I understand how she feels about her situation but I haven't decided what to do about it yet. Her isolation will only last a few more days and during that time I must sort out my own feelings, I mean, ideas._
> 
> _Somehow I have to sort this out before what little control I have left escapes. I will instruct her to write daily reports._
> 
> _That will keep her busy._

* * *

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2300 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N6, Primeday

Western Reaches of the Outer Rim

Unknown Regions

Coordinates: G-7 Ilum, Starkiller Base

_Supremacy_

Topics

  1. _New assignment for Hux_
  2. _Rey's Daily Report Analysis_



Fase

  1. _I'm not capable of threatening to harm Millicent (although it wasn't right for her to use my grandfather's ashes as a litter!)_
  2. _I seriously consider getting angry one of these days. I really do. (In other words, see Notes)_



Notes

> _Every time I think I have everything under control, Rey reminds me that nothing is going to turn out the way I think it will. It's amazing the superior level of stubbornness of that girl and her ability to get away with it! I must add these skills along with her innate ability to drive me crazy._
> 
> _Her attitude confirms to me that she will do whatever it takes to get what she wants, just like me. I wish I knew what I wanted. Rey wants to do something with her time. Wasn't it enough to give her something to write about? No, she wants to "fix things" too._
> 
> _I can't let her access the bridge, or the communication boards. What if she tries to sabotage?_
> 
> _No, she's not a spy and to be honest with myself, the reason I don't want to let her get mixed up with the crew is completely different._
> 
> _I'll analyze her list point by point:_
> 
>   1. _There are no spies in the First Order! Hux takes care of that and I trust him. What do she means, "what they say about you"? Of course she should believe all those rumors! Even the most perverse ones. Then she'll understand once and for all that I'm not a good person and she won't convince me that I'm not evil._
> 

> 
>   1. _Of course I want to know everything about her, what she likes and what she doesn't like. But what sort of Supreme Leader would I be if I were to interview my prisoners, I mean special guests, with that sort of question? And by the way I have THOSE kinds of concerns about Rey, and many others that there is no point in writing down here because they are too personal._
> 

> 
> _Which brings me to the next section:_
> 
>   1. _I'd love to know what she thinks and I know she is angry because I can feel it too, though for different reasons. What else can I do? I'll give her that. Every day my logic weakens and I don't recognize myself. I'm going crazy and I don't like that. Not at all. And she thinks she's "the subject of experiments"? I'm the one being tested by having her so close and not being able to do anything! I can take what I want from her, but I can't hurt her. I won't do it and not because Rey is fragile, I'm sure she's the opposite. But no, I don't want her to hate me._
> 

> 
> _Her words have a special effect on me, her questions are the same ones I have asked myself hundreds of times with the same insistence she has on receiving answers._
> 
> _And I've never received any_
> 
> _Voices don't count. I'm not going to hear what they're whispering to me today, not tonight._
> 
> _in consequence:_
> 
>   1. _I'm going to answer her. I will not do to her what they have done to me. Rey needs an answer. I am going to write to her, but I will not get too carried away, just enough to buy time, to avoid the encounter that I know will be impossible to avoid._
> 

> 
> _Since when did my life become a cowardly battle with time?_

**_Rey:_ **

**_I hereby place on record that you are my guest at the Supremacy._ **

**_You are free to move about the ship under the watchful eye of an officer._ **

**_I hope you understand that I do so for your own safety._ **

**_If there is anything you need, please let me know in your daily reports._ **

**_Kylo Ren_ **

****

* * *

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2300 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N6, Centaxday

Western Reaches of the Outer Rim

Unknown Regions

Coordinates: G-7 Ilum, Starkiller Base

_Supremacy_

****

Topics

  1. _Rey's Daily Report Analysis_
  2. _Check of stormtrooper FN-2187_
  3. _Second attempt to reassign General Hux_



Phase

  1. _See_ Notes
  2. _Phasma is in charge of putting down any attempt at rebellion_
  3. _Before it's too late. I have a feeling that he and Rey are unable to get along._



Notes

> _I'm flattered that she enjoys my response. Maybe too much._
> 
> _But it has served, I notice her tone is kinder, she has relaxed. And I confess I feel that way too. I dare say I'm a little happy to have gotten her to calm down._
> 
> _Rey is very beautiful when she's angry, but I think I can get better results if she feels confident._
> 
> _Where did that remark come from? I won't stop to analyze it. I said it because I thought about it, and that's final._
> 
> _I'm touched that she cares about me, but it's normal to feel compassionate. Because, that's what she feels, isn't it? It can't be anything else but her annoying sense of justice and her tedious empathy._
> 
> _But it scares me to think how right she is._
> 
> _How is it that she has realized so many things? I'm trying so hard to avoid her, to not expose my fears to her, to not show myself vulnerable. How can she be immune to my barriers? Has she learned to use the Force without any direction?_
> 
> _How could she infer between the lines that I desperately need to talk to her in person?_
> 
> _I don't have much desire left to fight this, whatever it is. I'm really exhausted mentally and physically. The time has come to consider other options._
> 
> _I'm thinking of something, the most insane idea a Supreme Leader could have. I can't take it anymore, but I'm so deep in this abyss that the only way out is up, and in the end there's Rey._
> 
> _It's not treason against the First Order. The machine will still work. I will simply act on two paths: Kylo Ren will remain the mysterious masked man who receives her reports and I will be able to appear before it as a normal man._
> 
> _Well, normal within certain parameters that are not at all common._
> 
> _I'm still working out the details._


	4. Chapter 4

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2300 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N6, Taungsday

Western Reaches of the Outer Rim

Unknown Regions

Coordinates: G-7 Ilum, Starkiller Base

_Supremacy_

Topics

  1. _General Hux's status in Nursing_
  2. _New Starkiller Base address reassignment_
  3. _Analysis of Rey's report: Membership of the First Order_
  4. _Undercover Project_



Phase

  1. Stable but not yet awake.
  2. New assignment: Captain Peavey
  3. Assignment of Officer Kandia (design of Rey's Uniform)
  4. See Notes.



Notes

> _Today I've been feeling annoyed all day and I finally find the explanation. Apparently our connection affects emotions, since even before reading Rey's report, I was in an introspective and sad humor. But since it is not prudent for someone in my position to enable himself to admit out loud these kinds of feelings, I have managed with relative success to disguise them under anger and my subordinates have not noticed. I hope she doesn't either, and I'm not sure I want to share it yet. Showing vulnerability is out of the question even though I can't help feeling that way._
> 
> _But I keep asking myself if happiness is also shared through our relationship in the Force, because I haven't felt anything like this before, at least not for a very long time. But since Rey came everything is possible. In just a few days she has wrought more havoc on my soul than almost thirty years of bad decisions. Should I list them?_
> 
> _Although what concerns Rey feels so right, and no, I am not suggesting our strange bond. I'm sure I would feel it without all that argument. How can I avoid it? I never suspected that my most difficult battle would be fought with such a beautiful and stubborn face._
> 
> _The other question is, what do I want to get out of it? And this is when it all becomes meaningless to me. Because I no longer think about repressing what her presence produces in me, I cannot understand or identify what it is, but I have never felt this way before. And it is that she affects me all the time, I need to be closer to Rey, I need her to know me._
> 
> _Of course, everyone must think that I am more hateful than ever, and it is better that way, for the good of the First Order. Otherwise the comments and gossip would start, so I prefer everyone to think that I am an insufferable conceit, a hunter who enjoys confusing his prey, before they realize what I really am and what is happening here. I wish I knew that too._
> 
> _"Have you ever felt out of place, even knowing you're in the right place?"_
> 
> _And if I could give you my answer to your question, it would be yes. All the time._
> 
> _When I started down this path I was a different person and maybe I did it for the wrong reasons, but I can't deny what's happened and the things I've done. And what's changed? I'm not sure that anything has indeed changed. I'm still the same person under the mask, nobody here really knows me and I've never thought about that before._
> 
> _To the usual problems of my position (which to be honest I care very little about right now) I have to add all these questions about feelings. Well, I have a right to feel, like all other mortals!_
> 
> _I hid from everyone and it is fascinating that only Rey has been able to realize it. There's so much I'd like to tell her but I can't, not like this. Why am I wearing my mask? It's a long story, I don't want to remember it now. But if my plan works, she will see my face. And I hope she won't find it as unpleasant as she imagines. We'll see._
> 
> _We're definitely not that different, and that's a comfort to me. To this day we have survived, each in completely opposite worlds, with the same determination to win one more day at a time and not really knowing what to do next. She waiting for her family to start living and I waiting for her to wake up from this insipid existence._
> 
> _And we'd better not mention the subject of family, I'm not ready to face all that yet. I could do something for Rey though, find out what happened to his. Why did they abandon her? I am filled with hatred for these people, whatever their reasons. I must know what happened to them, for Rey's sake._
> 
> _She doesn't deserve to be unhappy although I'm glad to know she doesn't want to run away. I will try to make her feel a little more comfortable by providing an uniform that is only for her, but that allows her to mingle with the people of the Supremacy. A tool kit would also be a nice gesture, maybe not the kind of gift I would usually give a woman I'm trying to court, but that's not the point. No, I'm not being gallant but practical. And I don't think she'd value anything else right now, but if everything works out we'll have time to get to know each other._
> 
> _That's right, I changed my mind. But I have a good reason to do it and that brings me to the next point.. but first.._
> 
> _I'm really trying to be organized in this log, but I can't do it! Isn't that a true reflection of the state of my crazy ideas?_
> 
> _In the future I will read these pages again and only then will I know if I have made a mistake, but here we go. I don't like to wait._
> 
> _Tomorrow I will introduce myself as her new companion, General Ben Solo._
> 
> _I've given it a lot of thought and taken extreme precautions. As she says, no one here has seen my face but a handful know my name because of my parents. The smartest option would have been to adopt any other name but that would be lying to her. I'd rather we had a half-truth._
> 
> _No one is going to argue with the Supreme Leader's orders within the Supremacy. And I intend to keep it that way either, but for now we'll keep this experiment within a controlled environment. I'll get a little carried away, just enough._
> 
> _And since Hux is incapacitated at the moment, which I very much regret because I have some appreciation for him despite how unbearable he and his cat are, I don't have to worry about what he thinks of all this. That Rey has used an ability from the dark side to attack him without knowing what she was doing, worries me a little because it implies that she has even more power than I think. Maybe she even has more power than I do. And at this point I'm not interested in competing, I'm interested in protecting her. I don't want her to hurt herself like I apparently did for many years because I had the wrong teacher._
> 
> _I will go to sleep now, though the temptation to create another bond is strong. I won't do it, though, because then I'll put everything at risk before I start._
> 
> _I would love to know, at least, if she feels better now._

* * *

Supreme Leader's Journal No. 4

2300 Hours

Year 35 ABY, SM N6, Zhellday

Western Reaches of the Outer Rim

Unknown Regions

Coordinates: G-7 Ilum, Starkiller Base

_Supremacy_

Topics

  1. _Day one of the experiment: Rey's Report_
  2. _Day one of the experiment: Supreme Leader's Report_
  3. _Status of General Hux_
  4. _Jedi killer?_



Phase

  1. _See Notes_
  2. _See Notes_
  3. _Stable and awake. Assign Officer Mitaka to care for Millicent_
  4. _What does she know?_



Notes

> _Rey feels better, the uniform and the tools have helped her mood, just as I imagined. I can see it was a good decision, I've never seen her so happy. It is a strange delight to be able to observe everything from a shorter distance now, keeping my identity a secret._
> 
> _And here I must trace a division, because I was very anxious to read her report after appearing at her door in the morning, but I must leave my own impressions in writing before everything is forgotten. Although that would be impossible. Rey's smile is something I will not forget as long as I breathe._
> 
> _Was that a good idea? It's still too early to tell. But everything looks more colorful, more cheerful since this morning and I must be careful because sometimes I forget that I must also continue to play the role of the Supreme Leader, bitter and fearful._
> 
> _I looked at my appearance in the fresher mirror several times before I went out. I was never interested in being attractive to women; I do not consider myself vain when I have infinite means to get what I want. But all that is insignificant at a time like this and there was only Me and my frightened reflection, a little pale (more than usual). I know, I'm a pathetic man._
> 
> _Kriff, I'm a pathetic man in love! And that's what I was afraid of. But I've asked for it, and there's no choice but to get to the end of it._
> 
> _When she opened the door, I don't know what she was expecting and I couldn't use the Force to read her mind because that was going to give me away. I resisted her scrutiny as long as I could, but the intensity of her eyes and the gleam of anxiety they gave off was one of the worst tests I ever had to endure. And I would gladly do it again._
> 
> _While I was trying to keep my heart in my chest, I introduced myself to him with considerable composure under the circumstances and handed her the new belongings. She raised one of her eyebrows slightly but immediately sent me her thanks to the Supreme Leader, perhaps hiding her curiosity._
> 
> _I told her that I had authorization to escort her around the ship and that I had been assigned to be at her disposal. If he thought it was eccentric, he didn't say so. And she smiled again._
> 
> _I had to leave immediately afterwards, staying there longer would have been strange and she didn't pay much attention to me anymore when she opened the package and started taking out the tools one by one._
> 
> _It was better this way. I wouldn't have lasted much longer without wanting to hold one of her hands or something else... I seem to be crazier than I thought._
> 
> _Now let's move on to her report._
> 
> _"He reminds me a little of you, he's quite tall. But he doesn't wear a mask and I only saw you once."_
> 
> _I have nothing to say about that. REY is extremely intelligent. If she realizes what's going on and says nothing, I must assume she's interested in playing along. I must think that she has as much desire to know me as I have to know her and that she is willing to follow my rules._
> 
> _Perhaps I expected more, but I am deeply relieved that she finds me "infinitely more agreeable" than Hux and I am not afraid that she will hurt me. I could only do so if she rejects me and I will try to get to know me a little better before I give her that chance._
> 
> _All in all, it was a remarkable day. And there are many more to come._

**Author's Note:**

> Your comments and feedback are always welcome and appreciated!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Meet me [on twitter](https://twitter.com/luubamoon)


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